I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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