I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
