Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
