Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
