did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
