when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
