Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
