Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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