I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
