I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
