My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
