Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
