You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
