We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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