Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
