I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
