That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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