Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
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i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid