I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
