I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
