Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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