Old men and throwing up are my life now.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
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I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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