Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
