We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
