He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
