Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
