Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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