and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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