Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
