You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
