I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
