Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
