So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
