It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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