chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
