Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
