You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
