when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
