my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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