Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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