just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.