i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
