I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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