I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
