dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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