i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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