Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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