Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
