On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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