I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
