I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
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There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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