Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I am available for nakedness
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
