My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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