dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
