Kiss
Puke
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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