He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Someone shattered a urinal.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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