peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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