k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
